regardless of our distance and our hope

nights like these

2011-12-14T21:42:00.001-08:00

and how she hoped he missed her, cuz god-

she missed how he would kiss her

i'm so dumb

2011-10-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

how pathetic.. i really should keep this a private blog

but it probably wont hurt for someone to read my shitty writing, where i complain about dumb things. and act like a stereotypical girl. maybe they will laugh or smile or something

BUT ANYWAYS...

i cant take him looking me straight in the eyes and then looking away. it hurts my feelings so much

and everyday i find myself wanting to get up and get ready, doing my hair and my makeup, just in case he sees me. just in case he looks at me. i feel so dumb.

but i want him to want me. no matter how much of a douche he is, or how bad of a person he is. no matter if he is even right for me.

he is all i want.

so typical

2011-09-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

i was having the night of my life down town in the Power and Light District. after drinking and dancing the night away... i returned to my car to see that HE had texted me at 2:30am.

all he said was hi.

but thats all he had to say.

and he stood behind me in the dinner line the next day. and didnt say a word.

just that one little text

got my hopes up again.

i am so dumb

finally getting it

2011-09-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

i started this blog, to write on when my mind was too full of thoughts...

then it transformed into falling for ben

and feeling bad about my ex boyfriend

and then wanting ben a whole lot more than he ever wanted me.

but now i like adam...

and ben thinks i am obsessed with him. but my obsessions about him never left this blog.... or my journal. sooooooo......

i cant wait for him to see me holding adam's hand

i secretly hope he tries to come back.... it would be ironic and typical.

and i would love every second of me winning and him losing:]

that is all

stuck

2011-09-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

he sat across the table from me.... his eyes glazed over. he wouldnt remember this in the morning.

"you cant get over him," he continued to taunt.

"yes i can, i went on a date tonight... there are soooo many boys in this world. he is nothing."

"i dont think i believe you, i think you are lying."

what if i am lying to myself? it doesnt change anything.

this is horse shit

2011-08-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

you know, i'll go through hell. before i ever talk to you again

just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

2011-07-24T20:41:00.001-07:00

and there she sat. the living room, oddly glossy and bare at that silent hour. the one-one, means eleven, which was what her clock said.

and the cold air from the always running air conditioner, licked at her skin, sending goosebumps to rise to the surface

and her brother sits at the opposite end of the couch, motionless, living in the tv in front of them.

today, somebody asked if she had any pets. and she responded that there was an asian kid that was constantly at her house. potty trained, and knew how to feed himself, so he wasnt much of a burden. but he sat on the smaller couch, across from the two.

and the house creaked and groaned at the comotion above, at eleven at night.

and all she could do was think of you.

you perfect boy. with the perfect hair, even without product in it. i tell you all the time. you've got a smile that could light up this whole town. and your eyes that pierce, and your lips that curl .

i wish you would kiss me now

benjamin

2011-06-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i look at you, and you look at me, i see something more. something you are feeling.. but cannot say. our eyes meet and we are instantly connected.

and all our friends give each other looks, because they see the invisible magnetism between us, but wont say a thing. they act like no one catches it.

except you and me. our wild attraction to each other, is our own little secret. a place that we go to, when everything around us is crazy and we need some time to feel normal. to feel still.

and your eyes, god they are sorta beautiful. and there are times when i want nothing more, than to just look at you. because it is times like these, when we are stuck staring, in a bubble of silence, among the closests of friends, inside the loudest of conversations; that we say the most.

but next time i catch you staring , i am gonna kiss you, infront of everyone. because honestly, how could i not? nobody would be surprised anyways.

where are you? the angel from my nightmare.

2011-06-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

all i can do is look at my shoes... and pavement.
with every parting of our shadows, the smile falls from my face.
so like my frown, my face is down.
until we meet again..

and what if i told you that i forget what i am doing sometimes, because you consume my every thought.

or that everything reminds me of you.

or that i compare everyone to you.

and tell stories that involve you.

and smile when i look at my phone, and the text is from you.

its always about you, quit being so selfish.

i heard errrr thing you're sayin'

2011-05-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

you can't always help, how you don't feel.

and it doesnt matter why.

but i know i love you with everything i have, but right now i need to live. and i feel weighed down.

i dont know what to do, but i know that right now being with you is making me feel different. and i don't like it. what else do i do? what else can i do? i want the best of both worlds, i want my cake because i want to eat it. we both know it doesnt work like that.

- i think thats how i am going to break it off. because i honestly don't have a straight answer for him.

the stars lean down to kiss you, as i lie awake and miss you

2011-05-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere..

smooth and cold, the sheets against my legs that twitch and tingle in anticipation

the dark crawls out from every crevice

and everything is silent

which makes everything so loud

as i lay here, alone, missing you

the chinese say we are all held together by the red string of fate?

2011-04-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

and maybe you'll float on with me..

but i sat there in another random cold basement. surrounded by the oddest group of people.

i came with tommy. the rich italian. who would never use his money as an excuse, who would be happy poor. who doesnt judge. who would do anything to have me next to him always. drunken in a stupor, he meets my glance every now and then as i linger among other casualities of mine. and thats probably the only physical attribute of his that intrigues me. his eyes. grey and longing for answers i am almost certain he has. but you couldnt convince him for sure.

i sit between phillip and timmy on an old floral couch. something even my grandma wouldnt purchase. its stained and mildewed.

phillip is a twin, his brother is in the corner drunk with some equally drunk girl in a tacky pink and black striped dress. with black glittery toms and i am almost embarrassed for her lack of coordination and her unsightly folds of fat that horizontal stripes do no justice for, as she sits awkwardly with chris. but back to phillip, the best looking of the twins, but not necessarily good looking either, he dances surprisingly well to some loud dub step coming from the computer. he is kinder than i remember and i feel almost terrible sitting next to him, because i led him on for a month or so last year. i kissed him on the mouth once when we were under influences. and thats all it takes usually. but he was content next to my side and he reminds me of a guy a dated named blake. a sociopath type. not exactly attractive, but smooth and bad. its true you know.. girls like them bad. and phillip's record interests me, i think its just the way i like to analyze people. i like learning them, everyone is so diverse.

timmy is a twin too. his brother was not around on this particular night, but i met timmy two summers ago, while at a Royals baseball game that we actually just tailgated at the whole time. countless times i have ran into timmy at parties, and he's always been drunk and leaves whatever he is doing to come say hi. but he usually doesnt remember any of the above mentioned times. he even asked if i had his number, which i did from a night where he texted me drunk. weirdest part is, as he tries to hit on me, we come to find out that he hangs out with my boyfriend. they both go to mizzou and toke it up frequently. of course he asks the one question that i am always asked, "why are you with HIM?" as insulting as it is, i dont think i ever have a real answer. they always act SO SURPRISED... like give me a break. you cant help how you feel sometimes.

i talk smoothly between the two boys, i turn to one and talk for a bit, then the other.

across the room there is a pong table where people are talking the usual shit, over throwing tiny plastic balls in plastic cups. like a damn carnival game. josh is awkwardly pale and shows very obvious signs of large amounts of drinking, judging by his excess weight. i met josh the same night i met timmy. back then josh was a senior in high school and he played soccer. and he was the poster child of everything my best friend jenna loves about guys. blonde hair, blue eyes, and an amazing body.

his partner is joe, a drunken guy i have met at a couple parties. but he doesnt even remember me. best part is we have a picture together on my digital camera. all night he keeps covering my eyes from everyone blowing lines, like i am a child or something. i dont exactly know if thats his way of flirting or if he was just being a dick. but i let it slide.

the only other person i can say i recognize and somewhat know is dominic. who lives at this particular house with his girlfriend who is busy snorting coke off a stereotypical tiny pane of mirrored glass, and a makeshift post it note straw. she does three more lines, and immediately you see her start to tweek. but i knew they both did it judging by the circles under their eyes. the saddest part, dominic was most definitley the hottest guy at my highschool. he was older and didnt actually come to school much, but i knew he was trouble. the way he made my little freshmen panties wet just from his fast passing me in the hall. i knew what i wanted to do with him, as if a tiny little freshman girl even knew what to do.

but every now and then i caught him glancing my way. and many did. i was new, small, tan, with no visible need of makeup, and the way i made eyes and giggled at boys who put up efforts to get something out of me throughout the night. or maybe it was the fact that within the opening of my black cardigan i wore a floral ribbed tanktop without a bra and my small, perky nipples shown through. cutting glass.. but i knew what i was doing when i put on the shirt, the way i let it ride up to show a sliver of my tan midriff, with the low cut jeans that when i move just right, you would see some of the top of my light pink trimmed panties.

i knew what i was doing.

i made more friends that night, even though i couldnt tell you their names. they all grew up together it seemed calling themselves "the goon squad," and individually i was tied to each and everyone of them.

and it makes me wonder, if they were too drunk, high, or absent minded to stop and think the way i do. to stop and observe what was going on around us all.

but thats what is so interesting about people, they are all different. and you will always learn something from somebody eventually.

yikes...

2011-04-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

when you lay your eyes on me, my cheeks turn hot. and i can hardly breath. your touch, like the wind, it licks at my bare skin. chilling me. i would never use you as a mere means. i would never hurt you. my attraction to you, doesnt necessarily make it alright. but despite my mixed feelings, i know i will never stop wanting you. so dont ever stop wanting me, promise me, that no matter what, we will always have this to look upon.

accidentally on purpose

2011-04-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

today i ran into a fellow, he was short and built, with a wide perfect smile, he was smooth with his talk. and i let him pull me along side him in discussion. i've never laid my eyes on such thing, the most prettiest shade of green were his eyes. and i felt a float next to him. like when you are in the presence of an angel. where you are speechless, in awe, and hanging on their every word. i am stuck on him

everyone has their own addiction...

2011-03-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

the sun rained down on my shoulders. and the grass sat beneath my feet.

breath in.

breath out.

the old, yellowed, crinkled pages

of your book

feel soft, and memorized in my mind

cover to cover

the trees stood solemnly, whispering their secrets, beneath their leaved branches.

and the world went by.

and i sat alone.

what kind of counselor honestly enrolls a freshman in global literature?

2011-03-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

HELLLLOOOOOO i am the only freakin underclassman in this damn class. this class sucks anyways.

everything we read is a damn feminist novel or poem or exerpt. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

please dyke ass teacher, give me something with hairy balls and subsistence. not bull shit like The God of Small Things.

This bitch writes so much sensory detail and "fluff" i have to skip entire pages and paragraphs just to read the important stuff.

Ughhhh biggest headache of my life = feminist, over analytical, authors... FROM EFFFIN INDIA. i hate college...

kill me now please and thank you....

close you're eyes & i'll kiss you. 'cause with the birds i'll share this lonely view.

2011-03-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

i could stare at you for hours. just to reassure myself that i will never forget the way you look next to me.

sometimes i wonder if its completely obvious, how overwhelmed and entranced i get... when lost in your eyes. they sparkle and make me weak at my words. i go on searching, running away from being without you. my lower lip is bitten and i tremble.

maybe this time, you wont leave my side. maybe this time, you wont let go. i dont want the feeling of looking down, and seeing our shadows part across the pavement. again..

there was a boy, and i dont know his name either

2011-03-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

---> she passes softly, her steps are silented by the way she stopped time.

her scent lingered, toxic cumulo-nimbus cloud. as if it were a cartoon sketch, 3-D puffs of glittery pink. tufts of addiction. juvenile was his heart, pity such fool. he fooled by her..

IT hits him, the gust of her steps. instant chills down his spine. it was the very breath of her existence. -- she passes, her glance once stuck at her feet, lifts. how it lifts! the angels sing and everything stops for her. behind wind-whipped hair, her sparkling eyes make him weak at his words. that moment.. in time.. they connected. she hides something behind that glazed over look, that which captivates him.

her bit lower lip, begs to be notice. he steps towards, slides his hand through her hair. holds her there, in the palm of his hand. and she is his.

her face reads the longing to be held in place. its all she needs

-----> And thats just how it happend people, that night. that i night i fell so hard.

i know why the caged bird sings...

2011-02-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

its beautiful outside, that means i need to go for a jog...

overland park, ks... the very beacon of stereotypical rich people. in their huge, cookie cutter houses. in a suburb built inside a circle of retail stores, resturants, and malls.

oh the humanity.

my two mile jog, steals away my breath and my headphones tune out cars and children. the thing that disgusts me most about kansas... when the weather is nice, the entire family enjoys walks or bike rides together. babies, toddlers, teens, parents, old wrinkly people... they all are there joining in the fun. oh and i forgot to add their stereotypical dogs that walk poised on their leashes. big golden retrievers and small rat dogs... there are no inbetweens. just one happy, stinkin family.

two miles in, i stop at a park. swings are my weakness. its just something about swings, that i have always found comfort in them.

i sat there on that swing, and watched the world go by. the clouds, cars, families, birds. and then there is me. suspended in air. alone. my cheeks are hot and my vision is panning. trees move to the slightest of breezes, like a lullaby. or maybe its an acid trip flashback.

either way. i am alone, in a world of coked out-white collar men, housewives, and their greedy children.

oh the humanity.

you know when you're under the influence, & you've got random shit running through your mind..

2011-02-15T22:01:00.000-08:00

- you know its kinda like, the outside world as we see it through our eyes, its like a reflection of our lives. like a socratic city allagory, some kinda of Plato shit. for instance when you're having a bad day, and shits just fuckin up everywhere, it rains on you, motha fuckin traffic, people just driving dumb. like thats your bad day.. your good day is when, shits just fuckin bright and sunny, and everythings going great right? And fucking, nothing can slow you fuckin down.. you've had these days surely.

- BUT today i just feel foggy as fuck. like look at me, i'm smoked outt.. haha its fucking foggy man, just like my car sorta is right now. its some shit you know. and now i'm trying to drive on the fucking highway, have no idea what i am fucking doing... theres cop lights... my fuckin tags are expired, what the fuck is this.. its foggy, i can barely see shit... i hope i'm not about to die.. or i hope somebody else didnt die cuz that'd be sad...

- "fuck you po-po" (flips the bird at the cop car as she exit off down the ramp.)

and this is the true life of the american teeanager, everybody. kids these days are all just fucked up in the head, and just like to get fucked up and fuck. and i mean i'm guilty of it... what do you think?

beggars can't be choosers

2011-02-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

you know. its sad, how girls try hard for attention.

what also is sad is being a hypocrite.

so i'll favor your attention, no matter how fake it is, no matter how many girls enjoy it as much as i do.

because we all are so desperate to feel something, that we end up falling into each other.

and its sad.

besides the fact that you're mad as a hatter; you're a good kid

2011-02-13T15:35:00.000-08:00

sometimes i really believe that i should have had a camera crew following me around for the past five years of my life...

and maybe its because now that i look back at all the shit i've been through, and everybody around me. it makes me laugh. maybe its the drugs talking, but there is something so hilarious about how seriously we take our lives.

scene one: the lonely quad

i sit in the quad of our college, the sun is out today and its in the 60's. which is unusual and well appreciated in the cold months of february... in missouri.

the breeze sends my hair into a wind-whipped frenzy, and my cheeks are licked, slowling turning pink. my little sneakered feet tap the ground to the beat of my ipod; debussy. i do love my classical music.

scene two: 11:45 classes dismiss. I form a square using my thumbs and index fingers, pretending to have a camera lense, zooming in on everybody else's lives.

we are but ants, in an eight year olds plastic ant farm.

people stare at me like i'm from another planet. but i smile, because i am having wayyyy more fun than they are.

in my own little world, where their actions and thoughts humor me into a stupor, parallel universe. i will never take them seriously, in their designer jeans, streaky spray tans, gelled hair, and up-to-date electronic fads.

its my own personal sitcom....

within each silent second, there is reason

2011-02-12T11:06:00.000-08:00

in the land of the lotus lovers, time plays tricks on you. if we were to remember each day spent, we would not go through the same lessons, lessons unlearned.

silent i stare off to the ceiling of the easter egg blue room, the black mold of the old dorm creeps through the ceiling. the people around me talk of the usual things. sex, drugs, parties. nothing that keeps my mind in tact for not even a fragment of a second. The shushed silence and secretecy of the college campus. where everything in its entirity, is nothing but everyones business.

scene one: i rush through the halls with random casualties, not knowing the real reason behind me being on campus in the first place. the thing that strikes me the most, is that no one has inabitions anymore. its like a sespool of immaturity and unreasoning.

Blind to my insecurity, i fall trap to substances, that leave my night unanswered. My drive home, is sucked into a parallel universe of thought. the moon in the blank sky stares at me solemnly, and i stare back for an answer.

its almost as if adolescents, or whatever the name is for kids of my age, are stuck in some sort of alter reality. they dont even realize the truth of the world. not that they even care. they are all a bunch of fucks..

scene two: why i qualify as a fuck.

i cant see it as any other way, other than i am obsessed and it picks and pulls at my every wit. i pitied all the other girls, and left myself open. and thats what went wrong, there are no feelings in this. just mutual uselessness.

what do my peers wish for the most, what drives them to do the things they do? i thought i knew what i wanted. but everytime i set eyes on this paper heart, everything i knew is deleted. what have i become?

because the way this world works is whenever you think everything is going great, it completely turns to shit. and its like socrates was right, you cant develope feelings. you cant want to call something your own, its unjust.

but reason and love, have little company nowadays.

so i suppose that means, do what you love.. because you dont need a reason for it. but in the same instance, reason is all you need. and i have failed.